Month: April 2017

When I turned 30 and had a few work years under my belt, I realized things were not turning out as planned. My friend John H. and I came up with a novel idea. We would open a pub called Bitters Bar and Grill and let people come in and bitch about the injustice of it all. As you drank, you can then get up, go to the open microphone on stage, and complain about anything you wanted. It would have made millions, except we were too lazy to pursue it.

A former co-worker named Justin was complaining about barely making ends meet. He stated I can’t feed my kids with how little they pay me here! Later, I asked him what he was doing this coming up weekend, he said he was getting a sleeve. A sleeve? What’s that? Oh. A tattoo from your wrist to your shoulder. Well, how much is that? He said only like $3000. Um. I recommended he forgo the tattoo and feed his kids. His reply. “Mark…I simply can’t live without my tat”.

When giving a jump to a 25 year old co-worker named Harlen, I asked him how old his BMW was. He stated it was like 20 years old and had like 300,000 miles on it. I suggested he get a newer more dependable car. He said I can’t afford a new BMW, they start at like $40,000, and I only makes $15/hr.

I suggested a small car like a Suzuki hatchback. His reply was thats a loser poor man’s car. I have a certain reputation to uphold. I’ll give you one guess to the type of car that was giving his BMW a jump.

While in high school, two friends and I came up with a poorly conceived plan to steal a 15 foot tall giant chicken bolted to the roof of a local restaurant. We were going to place it in the school gymnasium as the ultimate senior prank. We waited till dark and somehow managed to get the chicken off the roof and load it into the bed of the truck. We drove approximately 300 feet, hit a pot hole, and watched the chicken bounced out of the back of the truck and land in the middle of a busy intersection. Since, we were too scared that we would get caught, we just drove off.

Who would have guessed 16 year old boys don’t plan things out very well? We never tied it down. Whenever I think back to that night, I give myself a good chuckle. It would have been epic if we had managed to pull it off.

When I was around, 22, my older brother called me one day and asked Hey, what’s the trick to boiling an egg? WHAAAAT??? My answer. Place egg in water, turn on stove top, wait 10 minutes for magic to happen.

When I was in high school, on one particular cold day in December, my best friend, Mike Brewer, called me and said I missed the bus can you pick me up? I can’t afford to be late and miss my exams. Sure, I told him. Just wait out by the bus stop and I’ll be right over. Then, I drove straight to school. He showed up 3 hours later, frozen and very pissed off. He had to beg teachers to let him take the tests. At the time, I thought I was so clever and laughed my arse off. In hindsight, I was quite foolish because REAL friends are actually hard to find.