Author: mark_user

My older sister Bonnie reminded me of a story when she was learning to drive a stick shift. Now, my parents were not the type to provide guidance or training. So, my sister had to learn to drive by herself.

One day, she stalled the car in the middle of a busy intersection. After several stressful minutes, she simply got out of the car, announced that she can’t do this anymore, and proceeded to walk home. I was left sitting in an abandoned car, with the driver’s door open, cars honking all around, and people yelling at me to move it!. Yeah right.

To this day, she still can’t drive a stick.

So, my friend Mike Brewer and I went to our High School 25 yr reunion. We re-connected with old school friends and had a good time. At some point, someone suggested that we get together on a regular basis.

Of course I ran with it. I recommended that we all meet at a bar in Covington, Ky called the Snooty Fox. It was clean, well lit, NON-SMOKING, everyone is nice, and is close to the where we all work. I even boasted that I was there almost every Friday night for a few beers.

On the way home, my friend turns to me and say’s “Uhh … I didn’t want to interrupt you because you seemed to be on a role and it looked like you were really into the story telling … but … you do know that the Snooty Fox is a GAY bar right?”

Thanks Mike, I had no idea, you are definitely a TRUE friend.

Two entire weeks after I got my drivers license I hit a no parking sign on Overlook Ave. I was going like 80mph, it was raining, and there was a sharp curve. I am pretty sure I did a 360, a 180, and was up on two wheels at some point.

Anyway, I looked around and saw no witnesses. So, I popped it into reverse and got out of there. Later, I went to work and soon got a call from my dad. He asked me if anything had happened earlier today that I wanted to share.

At this point, I knew I was busted. But, denial had served me well for many years. He said the cops were on the way up to give me a ticket. They showed up and asked questions like are you Mark, did you hit a sign on Overlook, etc. While still wondering how they knew, I broke down and admitted it all.

After I signed the ticket, the cop reached around behind him and then handed me my license plate. He advised me to bolt it more securely to my car for the next time.

When I was a kid, one day my friends and I were bored. We found and old bike with no seat. We decided on a dare to start jumping over stuff and whoever got hurt last wins. Exactly what you won was open for debate.

Now, my friend Steve Schore took it took a whole new level and fashioned a ramp using an unstable bucket and board. Then he tried to jump the ramp and failed miserably. Because there was no seat, a large chuck of his flesh was torn away by the pole protruding out of the bike.

Thereafter, the legend became that the pole went straight up his butt hole, that he can no longer poop, and that he can’t eat solid foods anymore. Sadly, when he came back from the hospital, we gave him the nickname of “pole boy”. Man, we were ruthless.

My Grandpa Riga had dementia and stayed in a nursing home. He had an equally senile room mate. The family of the man came every month and gave him $20 for a little spending money. Every month he was always broke.

This went on for a while until finally they filed a complaint and began to accuse the staff of stealing. An investigation was conducted and it turns out that my grandfather was charging his roomie $20/month rent to stay in his room. The money was found neatly stacked in his bedside drawer. We thought it was amusing. They did not.

My great Uncle Jerry Riga was a pilot in WW2. He was not a very good pilot as he was shot down twice by the Germans. He said flying was fun, you got a lot of girls, and it was not very hard [compared to the infantry – no walking].

Now, getting into the flying corp was the hard part. You see, him and his friend failed their eye exams. Not deterred, they drove to Lexington, Ky and tried to enlist. Again, they failed their eye exams. Next, they were going to drive to Columbus and this time they had a plan. They were going to pick up a crate of carrots to eat along the way to improve their vision. Well…they could not find any carrots.

Instead, they picked up a crate of bananas hoping it was close enough. On the drive to Columbus, they ate all the bananas and promptly got potassium poisoning. It took them two full days to recover.